Ohio's Best Professional Sports Team

Mark Titus on Ohio professional sports teams and Ohio State football:

It’s no secret that pro teams in Ohio have historically had the same amount of success as Antonio Cromartie’s condoms. Sure, Cleveland gets all the publicity and sympathy because of things like The Drive, the Browns’ move to Baltimore, the 1997 World Series, and LeBron fleeing to Miami so he could fulfill his lifelong dream of finishing in second place with his friends. But Cincinnati’s pro teams aren’t exactly all that great either, as evidenced by the fact that — with the exception of winning the division last year and getting promptly swept from the playoffs — the Reds haven’t done much of anything for 15 years, and the Bengals have never won a title and appear as though they’ll be in serious contention all season to land Andrew Luck in next year’s draft. Throw in the Columbus Blue Jackets’ irrelevance for their first 11 years of existence and there’s no denying that the collective pro sports scene in Ohio is shoddy at best and shitty at worst.
This is where Ohio State football comes in. It’s a big reason why the people of Ohio love their Buckeyes so much. When every other team in the state either sucks to begin with or chokes in the playoffs, Ohioans know at least they’ve always got Buckeyes football to fall back on. Really, being a sports fan in Ohio is like being lost at sea with nothing but a worn-out life jacket and the overwhelming feeling that you’re not going to make it out alive. And just when you think you should just give up and let yourself drown, a lifeboat comes along to save the day in the form of Ohio State football. Only it’s better than an average lifeboat because — surprise! — it’s actually a party yacht full of hookers and blow. After being surrounded by nothing but water and despair for so long, you’re now suddenly surrounded by luxury and a bounty of women who are ready to party. In other words, in a state where pro sports teams are a perpetual letdown, the beginning of the college football season all but guarantees the people of Ohio a chance to cheer on a contender.

The man sums up Ohio professional sports exceedingly well.  It's hard to imagine a football team paying players less than Mike Brown does, and yet still winning.  But I give you the Ohio State Buckeyes, whose players are paid, just not as much as players at USC or Miami.  As and Ohioan with a passionate hatred of Ohio State, I hope they play as badly as the Bengals will this year.  I know they won't, but a man can dream.