Well, polls are starting to close in the Eastern Time Zone, and with that, bringing to a merciful end this cycle's electoral shitshow. It is pretty clear that almost nobody is happy with the way things are going, with the only real disagreement being about who or what is to blame. Around here, the majority opinion is that everything is Obama's fault. In other places (and in this household), Republicans garner the most criticism. It looks like Republicans will come out somewhat ahead in this round of spilling gall, although I currently don't think they will be able to take too much pride in the outcome of this election.
I would say that my experience voting is a decent summary of how bad things are in our political process. It is a widely acknowledged fact that our county traditionally has trouble conducting elections. These days, we have the electronic voting machines with printed records to allow recounts. I was the third person in line at the precinct this morning when the polls opened. I cast my straight Democratic ballot (well, except for the judge on the state district court of appeals, because I couldn't remember who the Republican candidate was to vote against), even though I considered almost all of the Democrats unqualified to hold office. Mine was a protest vote against a government run by anti-government jackasses, which I think it is logical to assume is a total fuck-up, with the main question being whether that government is intentionally or unintentionally incompetent. After making all of my selections, the machine asks me to review my votes, and as I approve each page, the machine prints my votes on the paper backup. After printing all of my votes, the machine asks me to cast my ballot. When I hit the button, my machine turned off. One of the poll workers came over with a new voting card, booted up my machine, and told me to vote on another machine. As I recast my ballot, this time successfully (I think), another guy's machine shut down at the exact same time as mine had. I don't know how things went after that, but at that point about 2 of the machines in my precinct were out of commission. That is a pretty good analogy for our political system in general.
As the night goes one, I plan on posting real-time updates. I will also drink moderately, to moderately heavily. Enjoy.
A Farmer +2.
7:05 PM. The BBC declares Mitch McConnell the winner in the Kentucky race for Senate. [Getting up for another beer]
7:08 PM. Races I'm interested in: Senate elections in North Carolina, New Hampshire, Iowa, Kansas, Colorado and Georgia, kind of. Governor elections in Maine, Pennsylvania, Michigan, Florida, Wisconsin and Kansas.
7:11 PM. Newt Gingrich is talking. Please shoot me.
7:13 PM. Another race to watch: Ohio Treasurer. Please, God, if you exist you will make sure Josh Mandel is looking for a job tomorrow.
7:14 PM. Some dude is reading results for some ward in Manchester, NH. Whoopty shit.
7:21 PM. Democrats describing why they are going to lose the Senate: "Well, it's a well-run campaign- midget and broom and whatnot."
7:27 PM. I'll beat CNN to the punch and declare John Kasich the winner in the Ohio governor race. See above video clip for explanation [chugging beer #3].
7:32 PM. Fox News projects John Kasich as winner of Ohio governor race.
7:35 PM. Watching 3 minutes of Fox News coverage drives me to the fridge for a Christmas Ale. I can't handle much of that coverage.
7:45 PM. CNN interviews faux-Democrat Joe Manchin bitching about "war on coal".
7:52 PM. After 2012, Karl Rove still is employed as an election analyst? #makesmelookgood
7:55 PM. Maria Bartiromo is a fucking useless Republican hack. [not drunk yet, because I didn't use the c-word. God help me if I see Sarah Palin anytime soon.]
8:01 PM. Fox News host proud to use "vanquish". #gonnabealongnight
8:02 PM. Fox News calls Pennsylvania governor's race for Democrat Tom Wolf. Blames Tom Corbett's loss on his prosecution of Jerry Sandusky investigation and not on terrible governance.
8:10 PM. Is Forrest Gump on the ballot in some southern state? Sure, it should be Alabama, but, hey, Scott Brown.
8:11 PM. Al Sharpton says Corbett lost because Corbett tried to pass voter ID law to suppress black vote. Racism versus soft-on-pedophilia. 1 point for MSNBC.
8:13 PM. Juan Williams gives up the best explanation for Republica success in 2014. Voters hate incumbents, and there are more Democratic incumbents. I think the governor races in the Midwest may prove that point.
8:15 PM. Christmas Ale is gone. Time for a whiz and another beer.
8:23 PM. Shit, Evan Bayh is an analyst? Fuck me.
8:25 PM. It is hard for CNN to build up the suspense for this shitshow.
8:30 PM. CNN reports on what bag votes are delivered in in Arkansas. #24hournewssucks
8:32 PM. Mitch McConnell sounds like a professional politician, looks like a geezer at the coffee shop.
8:37 PM. Who the fuck is Noelle Hunter?
8:44 PM. A Farmer +5. Still on the heavy beers.
8:49 PM. 538 has called New Hampshire for Shaheen.
8:52 PM. If Republicans don't roll tonight, they are fucked for the foreseeable future.
8:55 PM. Come 9 o'clock, we may get some interesting news in the Michigan governor's race.
9:00 PM. Mike Rounds in South Dakota.
9:04 PM. A look at minimum-wage votes http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/wonkblog/wp/2014/11/03/the-spread-of-state-minimum-wage-laws-is-making-congress-look-bad/http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/wonkblog/wp/2014/11/03/the-spread-of-state-minimum-wage-laws-is-making-congress-look-bad/
9:12 PM. CNN: Ryan budget is Republican suicide pact.
9:14 PM. WTF? CNN projects GOP win in U.S. House. No shit, Sherlock.
9:18 PM. A Farmer +six (the number six doesn't work on my computer, either the number over the keyboard or the number on the numerical pad to the right of the keyboard).
Currently live-blogging the midterm results: http://t.co/x9c7bn5b78
— Andrew Sullivan (@sullydish) November 5, 2014
9:25 PM. I think Sully is beating me on pageviews. #noshitSherlock
9:35 PM [bottles to cans]
9:44 PM. I'm guessing Mark Warner is shitting his pants.
9:52 PM. I'm bored. I'm changing the channel to Fox News. So said the drunk guy.
9:54 PM. Fox News just called Colorado for Gardner. Dems are fucked.
9:57 PM. When Iowa goes for Joni Ernst, all hopes are gone for Democrats. If democrats had balls, Joni Ernst would castrate them.
10:01 PM. CNN projects the Republican will beat the Democrat of last resort in Montana. No shit.
10:03 PM. CNN projects Pete Ricketts breaks family tradition (with Cubs and anti-Obama spending) and wins election for Nebraska governor. #cantbuymelovebutcanbuymegovernorship
10:05 PM. #cantbuymeloveorpennantbutcanbuymegovernorship
10:15 PM. A Farmer +7
10:22 PM CNN: 53-47 Obama electoral victory in 2008 is a landslide. Landslides ain't what they used to be.
10:24 PM CNN: Gardner won Colorado because he's rural, and rural folks show up for off-year elections. #whyrepublicanswininoffyears
10:37 PM. It's all about Iowa, and we expect the castrator to win.
10:40 PM. Some Perdue asshole wins Georgia.
10:45 PM. Some Deal asshole wins Georgia.
10:54 PM. A Farmer +8.
10:55 PM. Until right now, I was confusing Ed Gillespie with Ed Rollins.
11:00 PM. Polls are closing in Hawaii? WTF? I't's like 5 PM.
11:01 PM. Scott Walker won again. Why do Wisconsin folks love no-personality assholes?
11:14 PM. CNN: America hates Obama. What fickle assholes.
11:19 PM. A Farmer notices that asshole has been used a lot lately on this website.
11:35 PM. Tom Tillis won in NC? Fuck, this is an assholes night.
11:37 PM. Excuse me, Thom Tillis. (WTF? Thom?)
11:39 PM. A Farmer +9
11:41 PM. Joni Ernst will be the next Senator from Iowa. Sane people cry.
11:47 PM. Now CNN is talking to dumbfuck Ted Cruz.
11:51 PM. Ted Cruz is one of the worst people in the world.
11:54 PM CNN jackass says Ted Cruz is somehow a leader in the Senate.
11:58 PM. I really hate the Republican party.
12:02 AM. CNN just projected a Tom Udall victory in New Mexico. I'm more interested in the Conrad James race.
12:05 AM. A Farmer +10
12:12 AM. Things will not get better soon.
12:15 AM.Who is this douchebag on CNN blaming the Senate for a fucked up Congress?
12:21 AM. I don't understand this analysis. Obama made Illinois go with a Republican governor? George Will just wrote a column saying that if Pat Quinn won, then Republicans would come out ahead because Illinois is really sucking. Does that mean that Republicans own the future?
12:44 AM. I'm going to bed, because I've got a big day ahead of me. +11.