A Heartfelt Apology

With Lance Armstrong rumored to be ready to admit to doping (The biggest non-story ever.  You're telling me that all the guys cheating couldn't beat the cancer survivor who didn't cheat?  Ok, and how much are you asking for that Brooklyn Bridge thing you own?), Brian Phillips looks at 10 other potential apologies.  My favorite:

7. Marge Schott ("My love of Hitler blinded me.")

The Setting: Oprah's studio. The former Cincinnati Reds owner is looking craggy and miserable in a team pullover she bought at T.J. Maxx for $8.99. It's a factory second, but it was heavily marked down. Actually, it reads "RDES." Can't argue with the price, though. She's smoking and absently petting her St. Bernard, Schottzie 06. Oprah is wearing jeans and a sweater and has just given each member of the audience their own Planet Hollywood franchise.
The Apology: "Was it wrong to use racial slurs when describing my own players? Maybe. Was it wrong to talk in a caricaturish 'me-so-solly' accent when describing my meeting with the prime minister of Japan? Again: maybe. Was it wrong to give a speech to the Ohio County Treasurers Association in which I declared, 'Only fruits wear earrings'? I'm not going to say it was or it wasn't. It's debatable. We could go around in circles all day on this.
"If I've done anything wrong, Oprah, it's not that I hated too much. It's that I loved too much. Only, in my case, I happened to love Adolf Hitler. In retrospect, that was unfortunate. It would have been easier if I'd loved, say, Jerry Stiller. Partly because we kind of look alike. But I didn't. I loved Hitler. Not a great move, emotionally. I get that. But I never, ever would have made repeated pro-Nazi comments to the media, on top of all the other racist and homophobic stuff I said, if I didn't love Hitler truly, purely, and with my whole heart. Don't condemn me for my love, America. Forgive me, I beg you. Obviously I'm only talking to white people here."
Oprah's Verdict: "Mrs. Schott, I don't think you know what love is."
Six Months Later: "Mrs. Schott, I don't think you know what love is" is regarded as one of the biggest TV moments of the decade. Schottzie 06 comes down with hip dysplasia, like so many representatives of her noble breed.

Marge was terrible, but so truly cheap. She may have been an old racist German lady, but she kept hot dog prices at a dollar (made the trains run on time).