After listening to the radio on Sunday, and taking a look at the standings, Cubs President Tom Ricketts cancelled plans for his team to play this season.
"I was listening to a guy talking about how terrible the Astros were going to be, and all of a sudden he mentioned that they are going to be in the American League West this year. I pulled up mlb.com and took a look at the standings and realized that it was this year the Astros were moving to the AL, not next year. I thought, 'Holy shit, we're guaranteed to be in last place in the NL Central with the Lastros gone.' We can't be having that. Geez, dad lost a fortune last year contributing to the Chicago Cubs of politics, a.k.a. Mitt Romney. I sure as hell don't want to throw away millions more playing the shittiest baseball in the National League Central. And even worse, Obama's White Sox are bound to have a better season than dad's Cubs. He'll lose his shit over that. If I let that happen, you'll probably see pictures of me in the tabloids pumping my own gas or shopping at Costco, and I'm not going there. We're certain to lose the opener, and from then on, it's going to be a challenge to get up to .500."
"So I thought this over and decided we'll just cancel the season, layoff the players, look for some new undocumented immigrant players who will work for next-to-nothing for next year, and get the campaign contributions flowing to our friends in the Republican caucus of the House to get a clause put into the budget deal to change the rules of the game to award the win to the Cubs if they finish the game within 3 runs of the opposing team. We should have that accomplished by the start of spring training next year, when I'll have to pay off Sheriff Arpaio so that he and Steven Seagal won't harass or arrest my new players. Come next year at this time, with the rule change,we'll be ready to end our streak of, well, counting this year, 105 seasons without a World Series championship. One year off isn't as bad as the almost four years dad has to wait to buy a new president."
With that, Ricketts, passed out a mix tape he made for reporters featuring the following Cubs-related material:
Happy Opening Day and Happy April Fools' Day. And have fun in last place, Chicago Cubs. you are right where you belong. To 105 seasons and more.